Biglaw

Grading All The Davis Polk Gift Bonuses

We knew they were offering associates a choice of great gifts, let's see what's on the menu!

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If you listen to the Thinking Like A Lawyer podcast every week (and why wouldn’t you?), you heard our recent discussion of Davis Polk’s “gift bonuses.” Instead of resting on their laurels as the Biglaw firm bonus champion of 2020, DPW went the extra mile and offered associates a selection of gifts or experiences of roughly $1,500 each.

It’s a great idea! Cash might always reign supreme, but big bonuses often disappear directly into student loan payments and can leave lawyers feeling a little empty. With gift packages — that most importantly do not trade off with the normal bonus — attorneys are forced to do a little something for themselves and that’s a big deal after a year that stretched employee wellness to the breaking point.

Anyway, on the show we asked Davis Polk insiders to let us see the full range of options available so we could offer our commentary and y’all delivered. So let’s start breaking down Davis Polk’s offerings.

Peloton… But For Your Wall:

JOE: This seems to be the hottest thing in sports right now, but without the problematic worried face woman. For me, this feels like having the Evil Queen’s mirror on your wall, but every time you ask who’s the fairest it responds, “not you, now drop and give me 20” but I might not be the ideal audience for exercise culture. This is a B+ for me — solid option but not everyone’s cup of tea.

KATHRYN: A- Nothing is going to be everyone’s “cup of tea” — that’s why there are 13 options! But not only is The Mirror trendy (and one with a relatively small footprint that’s appropriate for apartment living), it’s perfect for the COVID life. Like, even if gyms are open, do you want to go to one and wear a mask while working out? No? Hey, here’s a Mirror.

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We Get It, You Think We’re Out Of Shape:

JOE: I’ll confess, I’d never heard of the Nike By You program, but apparently they’ll let you design your own shoes? After years of effort selling the world on its own designer shoes, it’s turning over the game to just anyone?

Indeed, Michael.

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Still, I’m putting this package on the low end. I’m sure that’s all high end equipment, but it just doesn’t feel as luxurious as some of these other packages. This is a C.

KATHRYN: I’ll agree it doesn’t feel quite as generous, but in my grade inflationary way, I’ll give it a B. But I will also say that one person’s “work out gear” is another’s “loungewear” and upgrading my personal loungewear collection has been one of the few bright spots of 2020/21.

Bill It To Client Development:

JOE: I’d need a little bit more clarity on what constitutes a “memorable course” but could you imagine a golfhead getting a chance to go to, say, Pebble Beach or something? That’s got to be the ultimate trip for someone. So I’ll give it an A because for the right audience this is a dream come true making it a wonderful option.

KATHRYN: Ugh, I guess it might be someone’s dream, so A-. But I can think of many more sporting events I’d personally enjoy more. It seems like a nudge to tell associates, hey, this is also good to schmooze clients.

JOE: I don’t know. Golf is a reasonably popular activity beyond just schmoozing. Obviously, you and I would rather go to the Monaco Grand Prix or something, but people really worship these courses. Commercials call them “hallowed ground” which I think is more appropriate for a place like the Rose Bowl but I get it.

The TV You’ll Never Be Home To Watch:

JOE: My only quibble here is that I’d hope a Biglaw associate has already invested in a solid entertainment system. When I got my first Biglaw paycheck, I immediately purchased a high-end TV and speaker system. Frankly, the latter is a must get for newly affluent associates because while television technology continues to rapidly evolve, an elite set of speakers can last decades as long as you’re upgrading the receiver and keeping the cables in good shape. This is a B- because it’s nice, but I don’t know if it’s an option worth using your pick on.

KATHRYN: B+. It is nice, and working from home all the time probably made some folks realize that their seldom-used system was not up to par when used constantly. And even post-COVID working from home will still be a thing, so a worthwhile investment and pretty good timing on the upgrade.

Since Every Movie Theater Is Out Of Business Now:

JOE: I hated this one until I remembered that not every attorney lives in New York. A 120″ outdoor screen is pretty useless in a studio apartment in a luxury high-rise. But if you have a backyard this is a great gift. Just remember that the projector is useless until it gets legitimately dark outside. No amount of retail projector lumens will overcome even overcast sunlight. Honestly, this might be worth it for the popcorn popper alone. It fits one of my rules for a good gift — something the recipient likes but would never buy for themselves because they’d always talk themselves out of it. Going with a B here because it’s a C if you’re in the city but an A- if you’ve got space.

KATHRYN: Yes, the city mouse/country mouse dichotomy is real. But, Davis Polk is a ginormous firm and there are lots of other options, so A-.

Build Your Own Ribwich:

JOE: I’m not sure the value is here compared to some of the other packages. Depending on the size of that smoker, the equipment involved isn’t approaching the $1,500 value. St. Louis BBQ lessons from professionals is a big deal if that’s your thing, but I’ve always leaned toward Kansas City on this question. It’s good, but maybe buy this on your own and use the free gift elsewhere. Another B, I think.

KATHRYN: BBQ is an art, and lessons from a master sounds amazing. A-.

Obligatory Option For Foodies:

JOE: Le Creuset has gotten to the point that the Dutch Oven might be worth $1,500 alone. Still, I’m not sure about this. The pandemic is coming to an end allowing you to hit the town again, but for now ordering takeout from fine dining establishments seems like a waste. It’s not going to taste right because those restaurants really don’t make their food to travel as Defector’s Drew Magary pointed out recently. Still, this is an B+ because the true food nuts will love it but you’re probably better off with other options.

KATHRYN: At first I thought I was a grade fairy, but no, Joe is a classic tough grader. A. Yes, yes, the equipment is top notch, and no matter how much steam the vaccine rollout gains, there will be PLENTY of opportunities to use that $500 in takeout and sometime, not having to cook tastes DELICIOUS.

Happy Hour, But Classy:

JOE: But what if you only drink wine from boxes? Seriously though, I think this package fits into a weird zone. If you’re really a connoisseur, this is stuff you probably already have, and if you’re a wine noob there’s probably something else on the list you’d want more. Also, who doesn’t finish a bottle of wine when they open one? Do people really want half consumed wine? Won’t that end up drying out the cork eventually? So many questions. I’m going with a B, which could elevate to a B+ depending on the quality of the wine of the month selection.

KATHRYN: A+. MOAR WINE, plzzz.

Billing At 3 AM, But From Home:

JOE: Chalk this one up to “things I could have used last year.” True beanophiles would have cherished this during a year glued to their couches with nary a Starbucks in sight, but with the world opening up, I think they’re going to want to go out for coffee more. Maybe I’m wrong. I’m going C.

KATHRYN: B. It’s not Jot, but still nice.

Post-Zoom, You’ll Need Pants With That Jacket:

JOE: I’ve never enjoyed shopping and that’s why this is probably the number one package from my perspective. Lawyers tend not to be as stylish as they could be, and this gives an actual professional the authority to fix that. And if the associate is already stylish, it’s still $1,000 and someone to chat with while picking out new stuff. I think this is my 1, though I worry I’m being too practical and not really treating myself with this choice. This is an A for me.

KATHRYN: A+. My number one thing to do in the Post is go shopping, in person, and try on clothes, and not have to schlep to the post office when something looks amazing in theory, but awful on my body. To do it on the firm’s dime is just too perfect.

Does This Come With Vacation Days?:

JOE: My work bag used to be a TUMI and it was a fantastic bag. Coupled with $1,000 to travel and this is another contender for top package. Once the vaccine makes the world comfortable, people are going to want to hit the road and vacations go a lot further with a couple of nights pre-paid. Or, if you want to go nuts, one night in the presidential suite somewhere. For me, this is the number 2 option, but I could be persuaded to give it the top spot. Another A offering.

KATHRYN: A+. Everyone wants to travel again. $1K to throw towards the vacation you’ve been dreaming about for a year is a delightful thank you.

A River Runs Through It:

JOE: I’m not nearly outdoorsy enough to rate how valuable this package is. I think if I went rafting it would end up a lot like the time Bart joined the Junior Campers.

I’m going A here because this is basically the above Marriott travel package but for people who get a contact high from an REI.

KATHRYN: I am… not an outdoorsy gal — and I feel judged by people who are. B on principle.

Triple Black Diamond Is The Easy One, Right?:

JOE: The inimitable Slavoj Zizek described my feelings precisely when he said, “You climb a mountain and you slide down. Why not stay at the bottom and read a good book?” Except instead of “reading a book” put “hit the bar.” But I’m trying to be fair and if you’ve decided to embrace the wildly expensive world of skiing, a ticket to slopes “from Lake Tahoe to Switzerland to Japan” sounds pretty amazing. Again, this falls into that A offering for the people who really love this stuff.

KATHRYN: The existence of apres ski takes this from a purely athletic option to a fun trip. A.

Final Thoughts:

JOE: All right, I think if I were choosing I’d go with Nordstrom or the Marriott Travel Package. That said, if I enjoyed skiing or golf those would vault to the top spot.

KATHRYN: Travel, clothes, or wine. That’s my story and I’m sticking with it.

JOE: There’s really no wrong answer and another round of kudos to Davis Polk for injecting this concept into the Biglaw zeitgeist. Whatever you end up choosing, you’re in great shape. Or, you will be if you get the Mirror I guess.

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