Sex ed is missing something key for kids who've endured sexual trauma

The internet has changed how kids learn about sex, but sex ed in the classroom still sucks. In Sex Ed 2.0, Mashable explores the state of sex ed and imagines a future where digital innovations are used to teach consent, sex positivity, respect, and responsibility.

When some parents and educators talk to kids about sex ed, they might rely on a common but ugly analogy about gum. Imagine your virginity, they say, as a stick of gum; once it's been chewed, no one wants it.

That prospect might scare some children into abstinence, but it also does something unexpected, something no adult could possibly want for a young person. An analogy rooted in shame intensifies the often secret agony of sexual abuse or assault, making it even more difficult for victims to bear.

"The message you get is, 'Well, I already don’t matter.' That’s exactly not what you want people to hear from sex ed," says Monica Faulkner, director of the Texas Institute for Child & Family Wellbeing at the University of Texas at Austin.

"It tells a sexual assault survivor that no one will want you, and that it's all your fault if you got pregnant or got a sexually transmitted infection."

Whether they're parents, caregivers, or teachers, adults don't want to think that the child in front of them could be an abuse or assault survivor, but the numbers tell a different story. Historically, 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys have been victims of child sexual abuse by their 18th birthday. Research suggests that 10 percent of American children will experience sexual violence before becoming adults, and girls of color and LGBTQ youth, among other vulnerable groups, are more at risk. As we know from research and the #MeToo movement, many young victims delay reporting abuse or do not disclose it.

Meanwhile, sex ed lessons, along with the conversations parents have at the kitchen table, don't acknowledge the reality that a significant number of children have been sexually abused or assaulted. Child welfare professionals like Faulkner, as well as sexual health educators, are working to change that by developing "trauma-informed" ways of talking about and teaching sex ed, which include letting children opt-out of sex-ed classes, avoiding shaming language and tactics, focusing on consent and pleasure, and addressing myths.

Faulkner works with foster youth, many of whom have experienced sexual trauma. She says survivors might feel afraid to learn about sex ed in a classroom setting. If the conversation is driven by shame, it can trigger fearfulness and embarrassment. It also might feel deeply unsettling or anxiety-inducing for a young survivor to think about genitalia or certain sex acts.

That's why Faulkner recommends being attuned and sensitive to a child who appears dissociated. He or she might not be a survivor, but it's important for teachers and parents to know that tactile behaviors like coloring or fidgeting can help regulate stress and heightened emotions. Adults noticing those behaviors should avoid singling out kids and chastising them.

Faulkner also believes that students should have the right to opt-out of classroom lessons, even trumping their parents' wish that they participate. That may be controversial, especially for advocates of comprehensive sex ed who want to ensure that students are consistently getting accurate information about their sexual health. Yet Faulkner says it's critical for survivors to draw their own boundaries: "The child needs power over that."

Any sex ed conversation, whether it's at school or home, should avoid shaming language at all costs. That means ditching analogies about chewed up gum, used tape, and flowers that have lost their petals. Instead, sexual health should be framed as another aspect of a young person's physical health while sex itself is "something that's good and can be wonderful in your life when you're ready for it," says Faulkner.

Consent should also form the cornerstone of these conversations. By simply telling young people that their body belongs to them and no one else, adults can empower trauma survivors. In turn, talking about consent makes it possible for children to disclose abuse or assault.

Latishia James-Portis is an advocate and educator who conducts sexual violence prevention and sexual health workshops as assistant director for prevention and response at Spelman College. In her experience, students who feel safe talking about consent often recount their own troubling experiences. This is important for trauma survivors who may have conflicted feelings. It's possible, for example, for a survivor to love the person who molested them, which makes it harder to classify what they experienced as a violation.

"Take into consideration that when you’re talking about these topics, there might be confusion and shame in the room, especially if they have not had comprehensive sex ed up until this point," says James-Portis. "They may not even know what happened to them was non-consensual."

James-Portis says she identifies healthy and unhealthy behaviors, guiding students through what the baseline for sex should look like: consensual and pleasurable.

Focusing on pleasure requires undoing pervasive myths about how penetrative sex should involve pain, tearing, or bleeding. James-Portis tells students that if sex is being done correctly, with mutual pleasure as the primary goal, it doesn't have to be painful. She has urged young people to learn through masturbation what pleasure means to them, a pursuit that is already fraught with shame depending on factors like one's culture, religion, class, and gender. Survivors often encounter another dense layer of shame related to exploring their desires and curiosities.

"If your first sexual encounter was abuse, within your healing process, later on, there can be that much more shame," says James-Portis, who also teaches pleasure education at O.school, an online sex ed resource, under the name Rev. Pleasure. (She hosted a session earlier this year on healing after trauma.)

View this post on Instagram

While educators might be unable to talk about pleasure in the classroom, that's something parents and caregivers can discuss with children. Rather than worrying about getting every word right, parents should commit to having multiple, open-ended conversations with children about sexual health. Faulkner says that makes it a normalizing experience that creates trust over time, giving young people the confidence to ask questions critical to their health and safety.

If a young person discloses abuse or assault, parents should affirm it wasn't the child's fault, provide the necessary support for healing, and make clear that what happened to them is not the norm for consensual sexual encounters, says James-Portis.

She also emphasizes how important it is for survivors — contrary to the gum analogy — to know that their trauma is not the defining moment of their life.

"Teens experiencing this really need to be affirmed that however they process this is OK, however they move forward is OK," says James-Portis. "And also, this is not where your story ends."

If you have experienced sexual abuse, call the free, confidential National Sexual Assault hotline at 1-800-656-HOPE (4673), or access the 24-7 help online by visiting online.rainn.org.