I feel bullied and hopeless. How can I find happiness?

The dilemma I am a woman in my 30s. On paper I am bright – an Oxford graduate with a slew of prestigious qualifications, extracurricular achievements and a fairly successful career. The reality is I just feel pathetic, ignorant and gormless. I’ve got to where I am because I’m adept at analysing and memorising information, while clearly lacking other types of intelligence. I was bullied in school and continue to be bullied in adult life, which to me reinforces how pathetic I am.

I am very physically and socially clumsy, can’t understand body language, have trouble processing what people are saying and take things literally. This has led people to comment that I am autistic. I have never sought a formal diagnosis because I do not want to use it as an excuse or even a weapon, which I’ve seen other autistic women do.

I was passed over for promotion because I was a “pushover” who “couldn’t deal with ambiguity”. I moved jobs because of bullying and am doing well, but it’s because I’ve found a niche. All my life I’ve run away from bullies and I’m constantly beating myself up about my cowardice. I just give people free rein to laugh at me and tear strips out of me. I’ve had therapy and it works while I’m having it, but I just go back to believing I am weak and stupid and deserve to die. I know I’m lucky to have a good job and friends and family that love me, but how can I be happy in myself?

Mariella replies That’s the toughest question… To my mind, being happy in ourselves is one of the hardest skills to master and an undervalued attribute. How seldom we elevate or celebrate those who are happy in their skins. Instead, we treat them circumspectly as though having the measure of yourself is an indication of being delusional and employing the courage of your convictions to influence your world is something other people should be suspicious of – or even mock.

Think how much energy we put into our lives – whether academically, in our careers or socially – yet all that effort is as nothing in the face of our innate ability to sabotage our own happiness by undermining our achievements and comparing ourselves unfavourably to others. You’re clearly a past master.

What I worry about the most though is your comment that you feel you don’t deserve to live – if that’s the case then it’s not me you should be coming to for help but an organisation such as the Samaritans (call 116 123) who will help you understand how many other people struggle with similar debilitating mental health issues.

The primary starting point for a contented life is developing an indomitable sense of our own self-worth and yet so often it’s the first stumbling block. Self-acceptance is elusive and something that we spend too little time encouraging in ourselves or honouring in others. What you have going on is as debilitating as any illness we might take far more seriously.

You say others have suggested you might be on the autistic spectrum, which is something you need to investigate. Failing to do so because – as you suggest – it will be an excuse or a crutch, is like refusing to find out if you’re allergic to cat hair because it will become a reason to avoid cats! Knowledge is power and self-knowledge nothing short of a superpower.

Bullies are drawn to vulnerabilities in our defences and the only way to mitigate their insidious impact is to shore up the castle. Of course you need to check if you’re on the autistic spectrum. If you don’t, how will you ever know which parts of your personality are down to nature and which parts are nurture? Suggesting that you might be autistic, as you have in your email, while denigrating those who are is a muddled message and no route to enlightenment. You say you want to find happiness within, but that won’t come to pass unless you make a commitment to better understand yourself.

Understanding yourself comes from a determined investigation of your own psyche. If therapy works why did you stop? There’s no magic wand that will sweep away your tendency to self-loathing. It takes determination, hard work and clarity, all of which you seem to display, but only when directing it at yourself destructively.

Go back to therapy as soon as possible, but this time couple it with a determined effort to use all the skills I just mentioned in the positive pursuit of a better quality of life. Most of us struggle with our reflections from time to time, but endlessly searching for faults instead of simply taking stock and carrying on becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy.

As for being clumsy, it’s a comedy staple and quite common. My advice is to stay clear of fragile objects!

If you have a dilemma, send a brief email to mariella.frostrup@observer.co.uk. Follow her on Twitter @mariellaf1