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Can I get my money back from an ex?

This article is more than 15 years old

I lent my boyfriend £2,000 while we lived together. However, after I had an affair we split up - it was over a year ago and he never paid me back. I've just discovered he's landed a well-paid job and got a new girlfriend. Can I ask for this much-needed money back?

He can get some satisfaction
If you got some form of agreement in writing, now's the time to wave it above his head. Otherwise you're in the unhappy situation of having to plead to his better nature. I'd find it hard to forgive someone doing the dirty on me, and I'd be unlikely to be talking to them afterwards, especially if I had found a more pleasant and loyal girlfriend. Nevertheless, in his position I'd pay the money back, but would probably make you beg a bit. That's all he has left now to gain some satisfaction. If he's a man of honour you'll get it back in due course; if not, or if you aren't giving us the full picture, then you'll have to accept it and learn from your affair and your mistake.
carloswhizz, via theguardian.com/money

The damage done
So you lent your boyfriend a paltry sum, two-timed him and now you want it back. You've got a nerve. You've done enough damage; regard it as appropriate retribution.
Tim Davies, by email

See him in court
Whether you will get the money back depends on various things: whether the payment was made clearly as a loan; whether he is ready to lie and say it was a gift; whether he was so hurt by your affair that he reckons £2,000 is poor compensation; whether he has a sense of fairness and is happy with the new girlfriend and so is willing to do the decent thing and pay you back; and whether he has the capacity to defend a small claim in the county court. If you are ready to file a small claim (or at least pretend that you will), I think you'll have a good chance of getting your money back and it will cost you nothing.
Edward Ani, Burgess Hill West Sussex, who wins this week's £25 National Book Token

Emotionless letter
Write to him to ask for the money back, and don't even think about getting into an emotional exchange involving your infidelity, guilt, envy or jealousy. If this doesn't work, get professional advice.
CanaryIsland, via theguardian.com/money

Cash point
Of course he stills owes the money - the fact you had an affair shouldn't alter that one bit. I simply can't see any argument that he shouldn't repay you!
ScottR145, via theguardian.com/money

An honourable mention
You won't get anything unless you ask. At this stage a short, polite but assertive letter followed by a phone call confirming it has arrived might do the trick. A man of honour would repay the money and retain the moral high ground.
Sirles, via theguardian.com/money

Two-timer tax
No. You had the affair. Think of it as adultery tax, and learn what your cheating ways bring you.
Zampano, via theguardian.com/money

Court threat
Do you have any proof that you lent him the money? If not, write to him now asking for it. If he replies and implicitly (or, even better, explicitly) acknowledges you lent him the money and that it was a loan rather than a gift, then you have evidence of a legal and binding contract. If, after further correspondence, he does not return the money you should threaten to file a claim at the small claims court, threatening also to claim all the expenses incurred in bringing the claim. You do not need a lawyer and the forms are available on the internet. It's amazing how many people settle claims when threatened with court proceedings.
Tom Brown, via theguardian.com/money

Lesson to be learned
Write the money off. Put yourself in his shoes - what would you do? You had the affair. You needed him to sign something at the time of the loan to have any reasonable recourse. Didn't it occur to you at the time of the affair? You could have got him to sign something then. Or perhaps you didn't want to arouse his suspicions? You just have to take this on the chin and next time either get something signed or, better still, don't have an affair.
CoconutJo, via theguardian.com/money

Compensation claim
Perhaps you'd be best to write off the 2,000 you lent your ex boyfriend as compensation for "doing the dirty" on him. You're both just about quits now.
Martin Lawrence, Croydon

Moral stance
From a non-legal perspective, if I was in your ex's position I'd feel morally obliged to give the money back, as it was a loan, and regardless of what has happened between you, the fact of the matter is that he still owes you money. Whether you deserve it or not is perhaps another matter.
MarcH8, via theguardian.com/money

Paid back
Actually I think this man has paid you back - you got exactly what you deserved. You forfeited your right to this money back when you cheated on him. I hope the affair was worth it!
Caron Rohsler, Kent

A vague business
If you have any documentation or proof that the money was a loan and not a gift then you may have legal redress, but actually getting the money might prove difficult. It is usually the case that "friendly" loans have vague repayment terms, if any, and are rarely written down.
Tony Mayston, Buckingham

Look to the future
First, the question: yes you can ask for your money back, of course you can, and a brisk and polite manner should be employed. He may or may not see fit to respond and you don't seem to have much legal backing if he chooses to ignore you. However, I'm interested in the phrasing of the question. Is it time that he should pay you back because he has a new job or because he has a new girlfriend? What exactly does she have to do with it? Is her existence proof that he is at last emotionally robust enough after the scars of your relationship in order to deal with you again, or is she an affront to your pride that is making you take up an excuse to pick at the scab? You say you "need" the £2,000, but most people who need money are rarely in a position to lend such a sum. Ask for your £2,000 if you must, but don't expect anything more than a cheque in the post at best. Your ex has moved on and you, with or without the £2,000, should too.
Ladyhamilton, via theguardian.com/money

This week's question:
Instead of sending a wedding list, my niece has asked for cash donations towards the honeymoon as they've already got everything they need. To be honest, I'm a bit put out by the request. Am I being a bit old fashioned? What do other readers think?

Email your answers to personal.effects@theguardian.com

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